A bit overwhelmed

By now, most of you are probably sick and tired of me going on and on about the kids medical issues. Well, Let me join the club.
Can I tell you how overwhelmed I am with everything? How frustrated I am? I am also finding out that I have a bit of separation anxiety too.

I am frustrated with all of this, I am overwhelmed with what is coming, and am even wondering if pushing forward is the right move. I don't know anymore. I am truly at a loss.

Tonight I was able to chat a bit with our favorite CF doc and to clear my head a bit (he's GREAT like that). Without pointing too many fingers and without the he said, she said crap I got to vent my anxiety about what our new set of docs are looking into. Dr. I mentioned something about widening Carson's head for a 3rd time and at this point, I am not ok with that and neither is Dr. J. Because we are being seen in Madison, I would be leaving the only doc that I trust. And that to me is tough. I seem to pass everything by him and to not be able to do that any more makes me so nervous.
How do you give up a doc that you have some history with (3 major surgeries) for a fresh new team? I don't know, but I am certainly losing sleep over all of this! Its scary to me!

This is what we are up against in the next few weeks. Carson will be seeing a ped urologist next Thursday to see if her bladder control issues are behavioral, or neurological, We are waiting to hear when her ICP moniting will be, She will be scheduled for a sleep study, and we are headed out to Johns Hopkins to see if we can add some new light.

I truly and honestly don't want to go through any of this anymore. I asked Dr. J if he thought us pushing forward was the right move or not and he agreed that it was. But man........

If it seems like I am having a hard time gathering my thoughts, I am. I am really struggling with this post.

All I know is that my beautiful 3.5 yr old daughter deserves to be healthy.
Maybe this is the punishment I get for making the choice to bring she and Cooper into the world early. I don't know.

I can feel my hands shaking as I write this entry.........

....and its my friggin' birthday on Friday - yeah me.


JuliAnn said...

We all have tough choices to make, and when it comes to our kids we are all the most critical, BUT these things did not happen because you chose to bring them into the world early... stop blaming yourself! I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be, but after "failing" my second pregnancy, I have put a lot of thought into the "what did -I- do wrong" scenario. The answer is nothing. Beating yourself up about things that are in the past only sucks valuable energy out of you that you need to remain strong for them now.

Deep breath, chin up... second guessing just isn't allowed, strength...

go with your gut, believe in you, whatever you decide is right.

Kath said...

It is not your fault. Absolutely none of this is your fault, and I mean that from the heart. You are one of the strongest woman I know, and a brilliant advocate for your children.
Go with your maternal instincts, and I am confident you will always do what's best for the children!

(Also, if you could email me your mailing addy, I got a couple of things yesterday for the kids)

Angela said...

You cannot blame yourself for your desire to have more kids. The blame game is not going to make it better - just add more stress and pressure. You have 4 BEAUTIFUL children - and a lot of medical issues. Until you get more answers, it's just one-foot-after-the-other mode. Try and find a few minutes a day to pray and meditate - it will calm you some and perhaps give you clarity.

Anonymous said...

Cin - honey, don't beat up on yourself! As you know, we have 2 kiddos with cranio and chiari and neither were twins, neither were born early. Austin was born at 37 1/2 weeks, Madi was born 1-2 weeks late.

Sounds like you need to take a step back from it all. There were days I felt like I was drowning trying to figure it all out. Try to seperate yourself from it all emotionally as tough as it is to do. Sit back, collect more info from all the upcoming appts and evaluate after you get all the info which is best for her and goes with your gut. Its all you can do for today.

Praying for you for some peace and strength with it all. You can do this. You're amazing and I love you. :)